This is a major lesson we can learn from Taylor Swift’s relationships and lyrics.

Taylor’s love life has been on full display since 2006, which means we have about two decades worth of lessons to consider.

Don’t participate in off and on relationships

Which is what Taylor preaches in her songs “We Are Never Getting Back Together” and “Exile.” It’s pretty obvious that off and on relationships are extremely toxic and stupid. If a relationship was capable of crumbling and falling apart at one point, then there’s a huge chance it will continue maintaining that pattern in the future. A new trend right now is the encouragement of “spinning the block,“ which means turning back to old partners and failed relationships to see if they’ll work again now that time has passed. In too many cases, spinning the block and getting back together with exes that have already done you dirty is a really stupid move. The only way this successfully works is if both people have taken time apart to grow, heal, and evolve for the better.

That includes leaving behind all the bad habits and toxic behaviors you once exhibited when you were in the relationship the first time. But more commonly than not, if a certain partner brings out the worst side of you because they know which buttons to press and they know what your triggers are, no amount of time spent apart will resolve that issue. Taylor seemingly gives advice about avoiding off and on relationships in “We Are Never Getting Back Together,” when she sings, “I remember when we broke up the first time, Saying, ‘This is it, I’ve had enough,” ’cause like
We hadn’t seen each other in a month, When you said you needed space (What?) Then you come around again and say, ‘Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me,’ Remember how that lasted for a day? I say, ‘I hate you,’ we break up, you call me, ‘I love you.’”

The introduction to this song describes the typical back-and-forth banter and thoughts going through your head when trying to figure out if it’s worth it to dive back into a doomed relationship or not. The person will make empty promises that they’re going to be different this time, but they still end up disappointing you. Taylor goes on to proclaim multiple times, “We are never ever ever getting back together,” which is the most powerful line from the entire breakup ballad because she’s solidifying in stone that no matter what sweet nothings he might say to weasel back in, she’s not willing to hear it, she doesn’t have the patience, and it’s simply not going to happen. In the bridge of the song, Taylor sings, “I used to think that we were forever. And I used to say never say never.“

She added that line to reveal how confident she feels adding the word “never” to her vocabulary when it comes to never getting back together with this particular ex-boyfriend. The song is is rumored to be about Jake Gyllenhaal, which makes sense because she mentioned a bit of their off and on dynamic in the song “All Too Well” also.

In Taylor‘s song “Exile,” she sings, “Second, third, and hundredth chances. Balancing on breaking branches. Those eyes add insults to injury. I think I’ve seen this film before. And I didn’t like the ending. I’m not your problem anymore. So who am I offending now? You were my crown. Now I’m an exile, seeing you out. I think I’ve seen this film before. So I’m leaving out the side door.“ These lyrics are clearly about avoiding an off on relationship by refusing to get back together with someone who’s already disappointed her big time. She starts off singing about giving the dude 100 chances, but it makes her feel like she’s balancing on breaking branches. The imagery of trying to stand tall on the breaking branch of a tree already creates anxiety because it’s unstable and imbalanced. She sings, “Those eyes at insults to injury,” which means looking at him is making it harder for her to walk away because she loves looking into his eyes. But she still has to remain strong enough to walk away because she knows exactly how the ending of the film is going to turn out to, and it’s something she doesn’t want to go through again.

They’ve done this song and dance before. This is not their first rodeo as a couple. It’s like watching a terrible movie and getting irritated that you wasted an hour and a half of your life, but then sitting down to watch it again, hoping that the ending will miraculously change before final credit start rolling again. In Taylor’s case, she describes 100 chances in “Exile.” So that means she kept pressing play on the movie, hoping it would end differently, but it never did. This song is a cautionary tale to all women who think that the ending of the movie will miraculously change, even though there’s no evidence that anything will be different.

From personal experience, I dated someone off and on for three and a half years in my early 20s. It was one of the much older boyfriends I had. And every time we got back together, it felt hopeful in the beginning that things are going to go well. But every time it ended, it was always tragic, and the breakups got progressively worse and more volatile. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for different results. And so by definition, I was being insane by participating in that off and on relationship.

I will also note that one of the biggest motivating factors for people to get stuck in the cycle of off and on relationships is the fear of the unknown, and the discomfort that comes with putting yourself out there and starting over with someone new. At the time, my ex was very comfortable and familiar to me, and even though we weren’t meant to be together, I was more comfortable leaning into the familiarity of our connection than diving into the unknown and starting over with someone new. Starting over with someone new takes a lot of work and a lot of effort. You have to start over fresh with introductions and explaining your family, your life story, what you do for work, what your favorite food is, what your favorite color is, and beyond.

It can feel redundant and hopeless if you go on a lot of failed first dates. And you also have to get comfortable with the idea of another new person seeing you naked. There’s a lot of layers to starting over with someone new and for a lot of these reasons, it feels safer and easier to just go back to your comfort zone, even if it’s with a person who is wrong for you. But what we can learn from Taylor’s lyrics and relationship history is that this is not a good idea and it rarely ever benefits either person involved. It usually ends in a lot of pain and that pain arguably gets worse and worse with each breakup.