There are five lessons we can learn from Taylor Swift’s relationships and lyrics.

Taylor’s love life has been on full display since 2006, which means we have about two decades worth of lessons to consider.

First, Avoid dating with too big of age gap.

As in, what happened in Taylor’s relationships with John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhall. Taylor is currently engaged to marry Travis Kelce who was born in the same year as her (1989), but in the past, she’s had relationships with men who probably shouldn’t have been traumatizing her with their older ages and manipulation. She dated John Mayer when she was 19 and he was was 32, and their 13 year age gap did a number on her. In her song “Dear John,” she sings, “Dear John, I see it all now that you’re gone. Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home. Dear John, I see it all now, it was wrong. Don’t you think nineteen’s too young. To be played by your dark, twisted games when I loved you so? I should’ve known.”

The reality is that she shouldn’t have known. At 19 years old, you’re young and naïve. You live your life with childlike wonder, naïve beliefs, and unrealistic expectations about what a fairytale happily ever after might feel like. Older men know this about younger women, and so therefore, they often prey on younger women who they see as easy targets. It’s easy for older men to get exactly what they want from younger women because they know the way younger women idealize situations, hope for the best, and look at everything through rose-colored glasses. Taylor used those lyrics to highlight the mental games John Mayer played with her, describing his actions as a chess game where he would change the rules every day.

She also described her blind optimism, which is something young women tend to have before getting exposed to manipulation from their first relationship with a master manipulator. Now let’s talk about her relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal. They met when Taylor was 20 and Jake was 29, which means they had a nine year age gap between them. In “All Too Well” the 10 minute version, she sings, “You said if we had been closer in age, maybe it would’ve been fine. And that made me want to die.“

Based on the lyrics, it sounds like Jake felt like their relationship could’ve gone further if they didn’t have nearly a decade of an age difference between them. From her perspective, she was still willing to try and make it work, even though their age gap meant they were at completely different stages in life. At another point in the song, Taylor sings, “I was never good at telling jokes, but the punchline goes: I’ll get older, but your lovers stay my age.“ Although her relationship with Jake ended, he continued dating girls who were much younger than him, even though he complained about that being an issue he had while dating Taylor specifically.

His current girlfriend is a French model named Jeanne Cadieu, who is 16 years younger than him. She’s currently 28 as of this video publication and he’s 44. So, just like Taylor sang in the song, his girlfriends have remained much younger than him as years have gone by, even though Taylor has continued to grow and evolve beyond their failed connection. And that’s not to say Jake hasn’t grown and evolved too, he just hasn’t explicitly expressed his feelings about everything the way Taylor has done in such an open and vulnerable way in the lyrics of “All Too Well.”

From personal experience dating much older men in my early 20s, I do personally feel that young women can avoid a lot of heartbreak and turmoil if they avoid dating older men who have so much more life experience. When I was 19 years old, I dated a man who was in his early 30s, and he ended up being the most toxic, manipulative, and abusive partner I could’ve ever dated. He used charm to weasel his way into my life, and once he got me completely isolated, his true colors came out after I felt like I didn’t have friends or family to turn to anymore. After that relationship ended, I dated another man who was 20 years older than me, and that relationship didn’t turn out very well either. I was 22 and he was 42 years old when we met.

I reflect back on both of these relationships with a lot of regret and sadness that I allowed myself to be in those types of relationships in the first place. Fast-forward to today, and I’m married to a man who’s my own age. Being married to a man who’s my age mate is really special to me because we share so many things in common, including our matching life experience level. We went to middle school at the same time, so we both enjoy the same era of music and entertainment. We have the same energy levels when it comes to traveling together, going to nightclubs for date nights, and generally socializing with friends, which is something I didn’t experience when dating much older partners.

I do also want to throw it out there that it’s possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is much older if both people are healthy-minded individuals. I just attended one of my close friend’s weddings, and she actually married a man who is about 20 years older than her, and he loves her so passionately that their marriage makes so much sense and they wouldn’t have it any other way. She respects him and he adores her, and their age difference is nothing more than a minor detail in their love story. So while it’s probably safer for young women to avoid relationships with much older men in most cases, it is still possible to find those rare golden gems where it actually works out for the best and the relationship is genuinely healthy and happy.

Second, Avoid situationships like the plague.

Songs like “Cruel Summer” and “August” by Taylor are huge reminders of why situationships are so incredibly damaging, especially now in this modern era. There’s really no excuse to be participating in a situationship because if someone isn’t willing to respect you enough to fully commit to you, then they shouldn’t have access to you or your body. In “Cruel Summer,” Taylor sings, “I’m drunk in the back of the car, and I cried like a baby coming home from the bar. Said I’m fine, but it wasn’t true, I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you. And I snuck in through the garden gate. Every night, that summer, just to steal my fate. And I screamed, for whatever it’s worth: I love you, ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?“ He looks up, grinning like a devil.“

Let’s break down these lyrics a little bit. She talks about being drunk in the back of the car as she’s brought to tears on her way home due to the slew of emotions she’s feeling being stuck in this toxic situationship. She says she told him she was fine, but it wasn’t true. And that’s because in situationships, you’re never supposed to really show emotions or break down in front of the other person. You’re supposed to act almost like an emotionless robot so they don’t think that you’re getting too attached or emotionally invested. So, you have to constantly brush things off and pretend you’re fine like everything’s chill, even when you’re broken inside.

When she says, “I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you,” she’s describing the shame and disgust that comes from sneaking around with someone who isn’t willing to love you publicly or claim you in front of the world. If someone really cares about you, they wouldn’t urge you to keep your relationship a secret. She talks about sneaking through a garden gate every night that summer to seal her fate. In other words, she was sneaking around with him at night, probably doing late night booty calls. She sealed her fate with him in the sense that he was never going to take her seriously, and they were never going to elevate to a real committed relationship. She was constantly sneaking through that garden gate to see him, even though their connection was never legitimized.

And then she says she told him she loved him and asked if that was the worst thing he ever heard. For a noncommittal man in a situationship, being told “I love you” is a major turn off. They don’t want to delve deeper into their emotions. They don’t want to grow energetically closer to the woman they’re hooking up with. They want to use a woman for her body and toss her out like trash when they’re done. And they want to continue having access to that woman’s body whenever they’re in the mood, even though they didn’t have to go through the effort of fully courting her or committing to her.

Now, let’s talk about the lyrics of Taylor’s song “August” as they relate to situationships. This is my perception of the song: It’s Taylor’s description of the way she lost her virginity, which really stood out to me because it reminds me of the summer I actually lost my virginity. The song starts with her singing, “Salt air and the rust on your door. I never needed anything more. Whispers of ‘Are you sure?’ Never have I ever before.” This is her describing the excitement of getting to his front door whenever she was going to his place, even though it had rust on it. She never needed anything more than walking through that front door to see him. Before getting intimate for the first time, he asked her if she was sure and she responded that she’d never done it before, but they went for it anyway.

Then she sings, “But I can see us lost in the memory, August slipped away into a moment in time. Because it was never mine. And I can see us twisted in bedsheets. August s ipped away like a bottle of wine. Because you were never mine.”

She’s describing their summer fling throughout the month of August, noting that he was never actually hers, despite all the nights they spent in bed together. Their summer season passed by quickly, but they never actually committed to each other beyond those fleeting bedroom moments. Then she sings, “Back when we were still changing for the better. Wanting was enough. For me it was enough. To live for the hope of it all. Cancel plans just in case you’d call, and say you’d meet me behind the mall. So much for summer love and saying ‘us,’ because you weren’t mine to lose. “

These lyrics hit home for me so much because I think back to my summer working as a lifeguard when I swiped my V-card with one of my lifeguard coworkers. We were young. I was 19 and he was 21. The lyrics say, “When we were still changing for the better.” When you’re changing for the better, that means you’re still young, growing up, and figuring out the world around you. Taylor sings, “Wanting was enough, for me it was enough. To live for the hope of it all.” And I remember that feeling of thinking I don’t want this to end, this is really special to me, and even though he hasn’t officially asked me to be his girlfriend, right now the feeling of want is enough. To me it was enough. I was living for the hope of it all. I completely relate to Taylor when I listen to these lyrics.

The lyrics go on to say, “Cancel plans just in case you’d call.“ And that was totally something I used to do when I was 19 years old that summer. I wanted to keep my calendar clear, just in case he wanted to make plans with me. And we would get off our lifeguard shifts at the private pool where we worked and drive down to the beach together. That was a regular activity for us, even though we both kind of knew all along that our summer fling was not going to last beyond summer. So when Taylor sings, “So much for summer love and saying ‘us’ cause you weren’t mine to lose“ I really resonate with that because it felt like love and we referred to ourselves as “us,” but he was never actually mine to lose.

When our summer ended, we didn’t even have a real breakup. There isn’t anything that constitutes the end of a situationship, so therefore a breakup did not happen. And that sort of comes with its own version of pain. Because you feel like there’s no closure or official ending to something that never really officially started because there was never a title or label to it. Even though we spent the entire summer together and shared the most intimate experiences two human beings could possibly share with each other, we never had a discussion defining what we were, so when it ended, we didn’t have a discussion about that either. Many times in the song Taylor sings, “You were never mine” and it’s a painful reminder that you can be so emotionally connected to someone who can devastate you and break your heart, even if they were never your boyfriend, partner, or husband. Who the f*ck wants to go through this type of pain by the way? This is why I say to learn from Taylor by avoiding situationships like the plague.

This is one of my favorite Taylor songs because I feel like she really understood exactly what I went through and it seems she had almost a replicated experience the same summer she lost her virginity. This song is one of the reasons I consider myself to be a diehard Swiftie because I never knew someone could so eloquently put to words the feeling of loving someone who you don’t technically feel you’re allowed to love because there’s no solidified relationship there and there’s no commitment. So, even if you have feelings of love, you can’t admit that or express it because you’re supposed to be keeping things light and casual. Someone always ends up getting hurt in situationships, and it’s usually the girl. And the younger girl is, the more likely she is to 100% get hurt.

I want to add that “August” by Taylor isn’t inherently just a heartbreak song because it also flawlessly touches upon emotions of nostalgia and the warmth of the memory she had with that guy, even though he was never fully her boyfriend because they shared such a deep and intimate connection. And the combination of emotions she put together in that one song is true poetic artistry. So, from the wise words of Taylor, who doesn’t explicitly tell people not to engage in situationships, yet expresses the pain of devastation situationships can cause in songs like “Cruel Summer” and “August,” it’s best to sort of avoid situationships altogether.

Third, Don’t participate in off and on relationships

Which is what Taylor preaches in her songs “We Are Never Getting Back Together” and “Exile.” It’s pretty obvious that off and on relationships are extremely toxic and stupid. If a relationship was capable of crumbling and falling apart at one point, then there’s a huge chance it will continue maintaining that pattern in the future. A new trend right now is the encouragement of “spinning the block,“ which means turning back to old partners and failed relationships to see if they’ll work again now that time has passed. In too many cases, spinning the block and getting back together with exes that have already done you dirty is a really stupid move. The only way this successfully works is if both people have taken time apart to grow, heal, and evolve for the better.

That includes leaving behind all the bad habits and toxic behaviors you once exhibited when you were in the relationship the first time. But more commonly than not, if a certain partner brings out the worst side of you because they know which buttons to press and they know what your triggers are, no amount of time spent apart will resolve that issue. Taylor seemingly gives advice about avoiding off and on relationships in “We Are Never Getting Back Together,” when she sings, “I remember when we broke up the first time, Saying, ‘This is it, I’ve had enough,” ’cause like
We hadn’t seen each other in a month, When you said you needed space (What?) Then you come around again and say, ‘Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me,’ Remember how that lasted for a day? I say, ‘I hate you,’ we break up, you call me, ‘I love you.’”

The introduction to this song describes the typical back-and-forth banter and thoughts going through your head when trying to figure out if it’s worth it to dive back into a doomed relationship or not. The person will make empty promises that they’re going to be different this time, but they still end up disappointing you. Taylor goes on to proclaim multiple times, “We are never ever ever getting back together,” which is the most powerful line from the entire breakup ballad because she’s solidifying in stone that no matter what sweet nothings he might say to weasel back in, she’s not willing to hear it, she doesn’t have the patience, and it’s simply not going to happen. In the bridge of the song, Taylor sings, “I used to think that we were forever. And I used to say never say never.“

She added that line to reveal how confident she feels adding the word “never” to her vocabulary when it comes to never getting back together with this particular ex-boyfriend. The song is is rumored to be about Jake Gyllenhaal, which makes sense because she mentioned a bit of their off and on dynamic in the song “All Too Well” also.

In Taylor‘s song “Exile,” she sings, “Second, third, and hundredth chances. Balancing on breaking branches. Those eyes add insults to injury. I think I’ve seen this film before. And I didn’t like the ending. I’m not your problem anymore. So who am I offending now? You were my crown. Now I’m an exile, seeing you out. I think I’ve seen this film before. So I’m leaving out the side door.“ These lyrics are clearly about avoiding an off on relationship by refusing to get back together with someone who’s already disappointed her big time. She starts off singing about giving the dude 100 chances, but it makes her feel like she’s balancing on breaking branches. The imagery of trying to stand tall on the breaking branch of a tree already creates anxiety because it’s unstable and imbalanced. She sings, “Those eyes at insults to injury,” which means looking at him is making it harder for her to walk away because she loves looking into his eyes. But she still has to remain strong enough to walk away because she knows exactly how the ending of the film is going to turn out to, and it’s something she doesn’t want to go through again.

They’ve done this song and dance before. This is not their first rodeo as a couple. It’s like watching a terrible movie and getting irritated that you wasted an hour and a half of your life, but then sitting down to watch it again, hoping that the ending will miraculously change before final credit start rolling again. In Taylor’s case, she describes 100 chances in “Exile.” So that means she kept pressing play on the movie, hoping it would end differently, but it never did. This song is a cautionary tale to all women who think that the ending of the movie will miraculously change, even though there’s no evidence that anything will be different.

From personal experience, I dated someone off and on for three and a half years in my early 20s. It was one of the much older boyfriends I had. And every time we got back together, it felt hopeful in the beginning that things are going to go well. But every time it ended, it was always tragic, and the breakups got progressively worse and more volatile. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for different results. And so by definition, I was being insane by participating in that off and on relationship.

I will also note that one of the biggest motivating factors for people to get stuck in the cycle of off and on relationships is the fear of the unknown, and the discomfort that comes with putting yourself out there and starting over with someone new. At the time, my ex was very comfortable and familiar to me, and even though we weren’t meant to be together, I was more comfortable leaning into the familiarity of our connection than diving into the unknown and starting over with someone new. Starting over with someone new takes a lot of work and a lot of effort. You have to start over fresh with introductions and explaining your family, your life story, what you do for work, what your favorite food is, what your favorite color is, and beyond.

It can feel redundant and hopeless if you go on a lot of failed first dates. And you also have to get comfortable with the idea of another new person seeing you naked. There’s a lot of layers to starting over with someone new and for a lot of these reasons, it feels safer and easier to just go back to your comfort zone, even if it’s with a person who is wrong for you. But what we can learn from Taylor’s lyrics and relationship history is that this is not a good idea and it rarely ever benefits either person involved. It usually ends in a lot of pain and that pain arguably gets worse and worse with each breakup.

Fourth, create good dating karma.

Know that if you’ve treated your romantic partners well with love and respect, you will receive good karma for that, even if it comes in a future relationship with someone else or if it comes in some other form altogether. Taylor’s song Karma says, “Cause karma is my boyfriend, Karma is a god, Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend, Karma’s a relaxing thought, Aren’t you envious that for you it’s not? Sweet like honey, karma is a cat Purring in my lap ’cause it loves me, Flexing like a GD acrobat, Me and karma vibe like that.” This song is a very obvious depiction of what it feels like to create good karma for yourself. It’s crucial to create good karma in ALL areas your life, but for the sake of this video, we’re only going to talk about creating good dating karma.

So, this means you won’t be the type of person to ghost someone when you lose interest, even if you yourself have been ghosted. This means you’ll be honest with your partners about anything and everything, even if you’ve been lied to. This means you’ll never cheat on a partner you’re in a committed relationship with, even if you’ve been cheated on. You might not always see the finished result of someone who hurt you receiving their karma, but karma will always come back around full circle. And if you put good energy out into the world, you will receive it back, even if it comes in a different form, through a different person, through a different event, or some other way.

Karma might unfold in ways you may never see with your own two eyes such as a man who ghosted you after a hookup a few years ago, later getting ghosted by his dream girl a year or two later. You may never hear about what happened to him or about the emotional distress he went through because of it, but you have to trust and believe that karma handles people and situations accordingly. Another thing to keep in mind with karma is that you shouldn’t try to instigate karma or pull the trigger on it because that’s overstepping what God has planned. Allow events of the universe to unfold as they should, and remember that whatever idea you might have for seeking out revenge will never be as intense as what the universe already has in store for that person. If you try to play God and intercept things by triggering karma yourself, then there’s a chance whatever you did to hurt that person is only going to be a fraction of the pain they would have received if you simply allowed things to play out as they were supposed to in the universe.

Never get involved with someone else’s karma, and just simply focus on creating the purist and cleanest karma you possibly can for yourself. Taylor digs into that concept at another point in the song when she sings, “Cause karma is the thunder. Rattling your ground. Karma’s on your scent like a bounty hunter. Karma’s gonna track you down, step-by-step from town to town. Sweet like justice karma is a queen. Karma takes all my friends to the summit, karma is the guy on the screen, coming straight home to me.“ She’s describing the undeniable fact that karma WILL find the people who deserve it, and it will either bring good energy full circle back to you or bad energy full circle back to you, based on what you’ve put out in the world. In her song, she sings about all the good karma that she’s received from keeping her side of the street clean.

She enjoys the good karma of dating a loving boyfriend. Her karma is reminiscent of a mythical God. Her karma is the delicious feeling of a breeze through her hair on the weekend. Her karma is how it feels to have relaxing thoughts float through her mind instead of anxious ones. Her karma is the love of a cat curled up in her lap because it loves her, which is an iconic line when you think about the fact that you have to earn love and trust from cats, who are notoriously bitchy little creatures. They’re super independent and usually never even respond when you call their name. If a cat is willing to curl up in your lap, that means you’ve successfully earned their love. Taylor also describes “flexing like a GD acrobat.” We know acrobats are the most flexible human beings on this planet, and I personally live in Las Vegas where I get to see Cirque du Soleil shows. Acrobats are the most flexible talented people ever, full stop. So if you’re flexing like them, that means that you really got it like that.

Taylor ends the chorus, saying “Me and Karma vibe like that.” She is so solid and comfortable in her karma because she knows she puts good energy into the world. On the contrary, you should be scared if you are willingly and knowingly putting bad karma out into the world, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Men who purposely lie to women to get them in bed, use them, and then ghost them can expect the worst possible karma. It’s unavoidable, and it will eventually hit them, even if it’s not overnight. Even if you never see the damage of their karma after they’ve hurt you, just rest assured they will receive their karma. And you will too. We all will.

Fifth, Channel both heartbreak and bliss into creativity through transmutation and alchemy.

Taylor Swift is the queen of transmutation and alchemy because she can turn her emotions into a work of art through her lyricism. Whether she’s heartbroken or blissfully in love, she can channel that energy into pure potential that results in some of the most beautifully and creatively written lyrics. There’s a reason she has millions of fans, also known as the Swifties, who support her craft. One major thing we can learn from Taylor when it comes to her relationship history is how crucial it is to start channeling our heartbreak and bliss into creativity. This does not mean you have to start writing song lyrics or become a musician tomorrow. There are different ways you can channel heartbreak and bliss into creativity. But let’s start with the way Taylor does it.

She transmuted heartbreak into creativity in songs like “White Horse,” “Back to December,” “I Can Do it With a Broken Heart,” My Tears Ricochet,” and as previously mentioned, “Dear John,” and “All Too Well.” Obviously, there are so many more heartbreak anthems Taylor has written, but for the sake of time, I’m not going to list every single one. Taylor was in some of the deepest pits of despair and heartbreak when she penned these lyrics. She got everything off her chest and relieved herself of that pain through the catharsis of writing it down into song lyrics. She called people out for breaking her heart, even if she didn’t explicitly mention their names. And in doing that, she experienced a sense of peace and justice for everything she went through.

Taylor transmuted bliss into creativity when she wrote songs like “Sparks Fly,” “Enchanted,” “Lover,” “Love Story,” “Mine,” and “Our Song.” The lyrics are a stark reminder that true love exists, even if it comes a different phases of your life that don’t always last forever. Some of her newer songs on her album The Life of a Showgirl are intended to highlight the feeling of true love lasting forever now that she’s planning to marry Travis Kelce as well. So, how can us normal people channel heartbreak and bliss into creativity similar to the way Taylor has done? It’s all about the art of alchemy and transmutation. How do you individually express yourself artistically? That’s the first question you have to answer because that’s exactly how you’ll be able to manage this step. Some people turn to dancing, others turn to crocheting, others turn to baking, others turn to content creation on social media, others turn to writing romance novels, and self-publishing them on Wattpad, others turned to fashion design, others turned to interior design, others turned to gardening, others turn to poetry, others turn to launching personal blogs, others turn to yoga and meditation. There are so many directions to take it. For me personally, I’m a writer but I’m not a lyricist like Taylor. I write novels and articles, so therefore, whenever I feel like I’m pent up with emotions, I express myself as eloquently as I need to on the page until I’ve gotten all of my thoughts out so that they’re not so jumbled up in my head anymore.

But again, this looks different for everyone and there are so many different creative outlets you can consider without feeling like your pigeon-holed into one over another. The best thing about expressing yourself artistically as a normal non-famous person is that you can create art no one else in the world will ever judge, yet you also have the freedom to share whatever you’ve created with the world if you decide to post on social media. You have full reign over what you want to do, how much you want to share, and the way you move forward in alchemizing your emotions. Part of the human condition is that we are all going to experience moments of heartbreak and moments of bliss. It’s a matter of how we choose to transmute that energy instead of letting heartbreak destroy us or letting bliss go to waste.

If heartbreak is left unchecked, it can cause a person to deteriorate from their mental health to their physical health. If bliss goes unchecked, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but the concept of transmuting that blissful and positive energy into something beautiful and wonderful should be considered since the pendulum of life will constantly swing in both directions. When it’s swinging in a direction of happiness, love, positivity, and bliss, that’s the best possible time to use those high vibrations to your benefit and get into the transmutation of turning your bliss into something creative.