This is why I stopped waiting to feel pretty to live my life.

In the simplest terms, tomorrow isn’t fucking promised. And I’m not willing to potentially die tomorrow feeling like I lived my entire life as an ugly duckling.

But there’s so much more context to it than that. For me, being pretty has always been associated with being skinny. I know that’s not the case for everyone, but it’s always been the case for me.

I’ve struggled with weight issues since I hit 27 years old and developed a hormonal issue called PCOS, also known as PMOS. Up until that point, I liked my body a lot and didn’t really struggle with insecurities in this area. However, this hormonal condition absolutely ransacked my entire life, and broke down my spirit, if I’m being completely honest. It’s a condition that makes women resistant to weight loss, despite their best efforts at exercise and dieting. As in, I can work out for hours every day and strip my diet of all my favorite foods for a good two or three months, and the number on the scale STILL will not budge. In some instances, I’ve even seen the number on the scales go up, even after extended chunks of time where I was punishing my body in the gym and restricting my diet to the point of utter misery. I wish I could lose weight like normal people. I desperately do. I wish my efforts created results. I would certainly have much less existential dread if that were the case.

Trying to lose weight, doing everything right, but getting no results because your hormones have turned you into a weight-loss-resistant failure, feels extremely demoralizing. And it’s also isolating when the people around you can easily drop weight by doing the same exact routine you’re doing, but that very same routine isn’t working for you at all. To be clear, I’m not giving up on achieving my goals forever, but I also can’t WAIT until I get skinnier to feel prettier and to start actually participating in a full life. Or to actually start enjoying my life.

I’ve had great results with weight loss medication in the past to combat my hormonal health issues, so I’m open to incorporating medication in my lifestyle on a more long-term or permanent scale as well. The cost of weight loss medication definitely isn’t fun to deal with, by the way. But in the meantime, my life is not going to be on pause. I’m still allowed to have fun in this life. I’m still allowed to be happy in this life. Even if I wish I were skinnier, even if I wish I were prettier.

I thought I needed to be skinnier to get into pole fitness, but I decided to go for it anyway, and it completely changed my life for the better. In 2023, I started investigating different fitness centers, gyms, and workout routines that would suit me well. I was already well into my PCOS diagnosis in 2023, and I was desperate to find a workout that would actually feel fun and engaging. I got into hot yoga, Pilates, Zumba, and a handful of other workouts before signing up for a free workout class at a local pole dancing studio in my area. I decided to try it since it was free, but I didn’t actually think I would get hooked on it. The free session was so much fun that I immediately knew I needed pole dancing to be part of my life. I didn’t like my reflection at the time. I really hated what I looked like when I saw my reflection in the mirror. But the pole dancing studio was full of people from all different walks of life, different shapes and sizes. Different ages as well. It just felt like such a safe space. Such an inclusive space. I felt like no one in that studio was negatively judging me. It was all about self-love, body positivity, women’s empowerment, LGBTQ inclusivity, and good vibes. My dance studio became my happy place. My home away from home. I started booking classes all the time in the first year. I was there probably five or six nights per week. I’ve now been with my pole studio for almost three years, and it still has such a special place in my heart. It’s genuinely been really great for my mental health, and if I counted myself out because I didn’t think I was skinny enough to sign up in the first place, I would’ve missed out on the incredible experience I’ve had there since 2023.

I thought I needed to be skinnier to keep my husband attracted to me, but the resounding message from him is that he loves my body exactly as it is. One thing I really love about my husband is that he is one of the most reassuring and validating partners I could’ve ever asked for. All he does is build me up, lift me up, and give me completely genuine compliments. He never gives me a compliment that he doesn’t actually believe. He refuses to be a fake fuck, which is something I love about him. Not only is he a protector, provider, and problem solver, but he also makes me feel safe and seen. He removes any and all insecurities I have from my brain, because I definitely have a lot every now and then. We met when I was 26 years old, about a year before my PCS diagnosis. I definitely loved how I looked when I met my husband. I loved how I looked during our first year together. But things changed for me when I turned 27. Yet his love for me never wavered. Over the past five years we’ve been together, my weight has fluctuated up and down, but he’s loved me through every single physical change I’ve been through. I relied heavily on weight loss medications leading up to our wedding day, and I got skinny as a rail because I wanted to look like a princess on our wedding day in 2024. And it worked. I was a skinny princess at our wedding. But after our wedding, when I stopped using weight loss medications, my hormonal issues caught back up to me, and even though I didn’t regain as much weight as I started with, I was still impacted. Physically and emotionally. He has never stopped loving me or accepting me regardless. I think all women deserve to have a life partner who is willing to love us beyond the surface.

I thought I needed to be skinnier to get certified as a yoga instructor, but I’m getting certified anyway, gearing myself up to lead classes that feel inclusive for all body types. When I found a yoga teacher program to enroll in at the end of 2025, I briefly felt a little bit nervous about the concept of getting certified to teach yoga, since I don’t have a typical yoga teacher body. But I’ve been working on my yoga program for a while, and I’m set to graduate from my program, hopefully in the next two or three months. And I’m excited about possible job opportunities. I’m looking forward to taking on a role in a studio where my body type isn’t going to make or break my future. I’ll get hired to teach yoga at a place that cares more about my energy, my aura, and my teaching style than the way I look. I have my eye on a couple of different places where I want to apply once my yoga certification is complete, and I’m excited to get the ball rolling on this new avenue. If I held back from joining this certification program because I didn’t think I was skinny enough to be a yoga instructor, I would have missed out on all the incredible things I’ve learned about flexibility, mobility, breathwork, meditation, mindfulness, regulating my nervous system, lowering my cortisol, and connecting with my mind, body, and soul. The things I’ve learned have been so incredibly valuable with all the homework assignments I’ve done in this program and all the research I’ve studied. Completing the specific program has been a stark reminder that putting self-love into practice is so much better than living in fear that I’m not good enough. It’s so much better than putting my life on pause from the fear that I’m not skinny enough. Just even saying that out loud right now sounds insane. I want to make people feel safe and seen. That’s the type of yoga instructor I intend to be. And that goes beyond how I look on the outside.

I thought I needed to be skinnier to wear other colors aside from black, but I decided to buy a bunch of clothing in pink anyway. Everyone knows that black clothing is what helps you look skinnier in pretty much every scene and setting. So I used to rely heavily on black clothing in most scenarios. But the reality is that I find black to be an incredibly boring color. I think it’s super sexy, and it can be super chic too, but I also just find it boring. It really doesn’t stand out. Pink is my all-time favorite color. Pretty much all the accessories I own are pink, from my purse to my journals to the stripper heels I wear to my pole dancing classes. But I hesitated to buy pink clothing for my actual wardrobe until coming to the realization that I don’t need to wait until I’m skinny as a rail to wear my favorite color on a daily basis. I bought a bunch of pink tops, leggings, and matching sets to wear around the house, when I’m running errands, when I’m at pole dancing classes, on date nights with my husband, and beyond. And I truly think that adding more vibrancy to my wardrobe has been positive for my overall mood and vibration. I think everyone should do this, based on whatever their favorite color is. Might not be pink for you, but just adding more color and vibrancy to your wardrobe is mentally super helpful.

I thought I needed to be skinnier to get on camera and film content like this, but I decided to start filming anyway, and I monetized this channel. I monetized my channel here on YouTube during the summer of 2025 after spending months trying to earn money on social media. It meant a lot to me to get this channel monetized, especially since a lot of the content I used to post here on this channel was faceless. I didn’t like getting on camera, so I posted a lot of content that didn’t include my face or me talking to the camera at all as a way of sort of hiding myself due to fear of judgment. And now that I’m on camera all the time, I definitely do deal with criticism from people, but not specifically over the way I look, more often i get judged for some of the hot takes I have Like the fact that I’m child free by choice, the fact that I openly manage existential dread, and the fact that I do deep dives into some highly controversial shows like euphoria and gossip girl. But even if I were to get an influx of criticism and judgment from people based on the way I look, here’s the thing. I’m not willing to put my life on pause until I think I’m prettier or skinnier to continue building this channel. I’ve been building this channel brick by brick ever since I lost my career in professional journalism to AI. I wrote entertainment content professionally for iHeartRadio, rap, TV, and several other outlets for about seven years after graduating from college with my English degree. Everything was great until AI came and swept my career out from under me in June 2025. After that happened, I started doing the exact type of work I used to do for other companies, but I started doing it for myself on this channel. Other companies would ask me to write long-form articles and scripts upwards of 3000 words sometimes. They’d have me do character analysis from different shows and movies, pop culture news about different celebrities, etc. So I started writing 3000-word scripts and articles that I would turn into video content here on this channel instead. I decided I shouldn’t let seven years of professional training go to waste, even though my career in entertainment journalism writing for professional companies is pretty much dead in the water since AI isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Because of this channel, I still get to be a writer. I still get to enjoy journalism whenever I’m writing and researching the content I’m posting here. And that makes me feel really happy. And a huge part of that comes down to my willingness to get on camera and not hide myself away due to fears that I might not be pretty enough or skinny enough.

I think of the Barbie movie regarding Barbie’s feminist and women’s empowerment approach to life, never judging herself, although yes i know there’s not a single negative thing for her to judge about herself. But still, her joy came from within, and didn’t revolve around the way she looked. Her life revolved around self-discovery and the discovery of the world around her. I felt Barbie-level confident when I met my husband at 26 years old, before I developed PCOS. I felt Barbie-level confident on our wedding day. But I deserve to live a life where I can still feel joy and contentment now, even in seasons when Barbie-level confidence evades me.

I decided it’s time for me to live my life now. I’m not willing to put my life on pause. I talked to one of my friends the other day, who told me she was interested in starting social media content creation, but she’s hesitant to show her face on camera. I’m supportive of anyone who wants to grow on social media, whether you want to be faceless or not, but I do hope she and everyone else understand how important it is to operate from a place of confidence and self-love. If I put my life on pause and wait to live my life until I actually feel pretty, there’s a chance I could be waiting forever. Who fucking knows. So it’s not worth it for me to keep waiting, and I’d rather just live my life right now. So that’s what I’m doing!