I’ve been deconstructing Christianity recently. And I recently just remembered a Katy Perry song I used to listen to on repeat through middle school and high school that delved directly into this topic. Which I’ll discuss in more detail later on here.

Every day, I feel more disgusted that I went along with the patriarchal propaganda of Christianity for so long.

Being surrounded by MAGA voters who use Christianity as their excuse to support such an evil administration is actually what made me start second-guessing the entire religion.

It confused me, seeing the way MAGA voters gleefully support a racist sexual predator while using the excuse of “Christian values.”

Seeing otherwise goodhearted people vote in such a sinister way while claiming Christianity is what forced me to start questioning this religion entirely. It was quite literally forced on me, not by choice.

I’m bothered that this religion as a whole has our country in a chokehold, shaming LGBTQ people, minority groups, immigrants, childfree women, women who want autonomy over our own bodies, people who practice other religions, people who claim no religion at all, etc.

It weirds me out that men of the world seemingly came up with the concept of religion just a few thousand years ago, likely because they hated the fact that women BIRTH men but men can’t birth women. So it’s almost like they had to create a male God to be the creator of all, to take away women’s divinity.

The earliest record of human life on earth dates back 300,000. Christianity has only been around for 2,000 years. It’s newer on the scene than Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, and other world religions, yet it still has my country (America) in a chokehold. Mostly due to colonizers who often forcefully spread these stories and messages. If you really dig into Christianity, you find that much of it connects with political motivations from back in the day because men in power were looking for easier ways to control the people beneath them, and the easiest way to control people is through fear.

It bothers me that the bible has people operating in the lowest vibrations of guilt, fear, and shame, constantly scared of ending up in hell. Especially when the hell we were all taught to fear in church doesn’t actually exist in the way we were always taught.

I did my research and realized that hell doesn’t exist in the traditional way we’ve been taught to fear, but that made me start questioning … if hell isn’t actually a fiery lake of eternal damnation, then how do evil people get justice? Does everyone who dies go to the same heaven? I’m confused on that part, but I’m equally incredibly relieved that the hell I was taught to fear isn’t even slightly accurate. Put a pin in that, I’ll explain more on that later.

I’m realizing that a society operating in shame and fear is a society that’s easier to control. It seems fairly obvious to me that whoever’s in charge on this planet utilizes the bible (and religion in general) to keep commonfolk obedient, subservient, and scared to push back against authority.

Stories in the Bible feel so very manmade the more I research them, and many of them have been scientifically debunked already. For starters… the story of Adam and Eve. XX chromosomes are women, XY chromosomes are men. But the Y chromosome in men doesn’t even get triggered until six or seven weeks later. It’s giving, men came up with a Bible story that claims women came from the rib of a man because men wanted to knock women down a peg to move women further away from recognizing the divinity we naturally have, through our ability to birth life into the world. Adam and Eve sounds like a story shaped by men trying to reduce creation that comes from women, even though women are the ones who physically carry and bring life into the world. And I get that some people already consider that story to be a parable, but the premise of the parable is incredibly sexist.

The global flood can’t be historically proven either. Noah’s ark has been debunked with scientific reasoning as well.

Linguistics does not support the Tower of Babel story, which claims all world languages were created in one day. Linguistics doesn’t support one singlular historical moment when all languages split at once.

Archaeologists have not found evidence matching the biblical scale and timeline of Moses leading millions out of Egypt for a mass exodus. Or evidence of the Red Sea parting for human beings to walk through.

Historians know Jesus of Nazareth walked the earth, not denying that. But are all the stories describing his miracles legit, because aside from the bible, his miracles aren’t recorded anywhere else.

There’s no evidence that someone survived inside a sea creature for three days in a literal biological sense, referencing the story of Jonah and the whale.

Nothing to back up the stories of Daniel surviving overnight inside a lion’s den with seven lions, the superhuman strength of Samson, or a 12-year-old virgin named Mary getting pregnant.

Christians and Catholics use the bible as evidence to back up these claims, but using the claim as evidence to back up the claim doesn’t hold much water.

The story of Lot is kind of what really did it in for me, though. Daughters getting their own dad drunk and raping him cuz they were so desperate to get pregnant does NOT SOUND REALISTIC. That story went down in Genesis 19.

Something that confuses me and bothers me is that all people in this world are on a spectrum of sexuality. Why would God have designed humankind to exist on a sexual spectrum of sexualities and then damn the gay ones to hell for simply being on the end of that spectrum?

I get that this world is too intricately designed to be random, but the God described in the Christian bible isn’t giving legit. God is described as being “angry” and “jealous”… like wtf? Those are HUMAN emotions, not emotions of a divine, all-powerful source. Almost as if a human man wrote him up and subscribed human emotions to him.

It feels like the arbitrary rules to follow in the bible were written to control the masses. And God apparently just picks and chooses who to ignore and who to answer?

That means my ancestors got their prayers ignored in slavery for 400 years while their white slave owners got their prayers answered? It’s not computing whatsoever.

But let me talk about the Katy Perry song that really stood out to me when I was younger. It’s called Lost, and it came out in 2008 as part of her One of the Boys album.

In verse 2, Katy sings, “My mother says I should come back home, but. Can’t find the way ’cause the way is gone. So if I pray, am I just sending words into outer space?”

In the chorus and throughout the entire song, she sings, “Have you ever been so lost? Known the way and still so lost?”

Wow, did those lyrics hit home for me when I was younger, grappling with my faith. The crazy thing is that I always believed in God and always felt like there was someone up there who placed us on this planet to live our lives. But I haven’t been able to confirm if the person up there is the type to answer prayers or just the type to passively observe. Because the majority of prayers I’ve sent up into outer space have gone largely ignored in my life. I’ve prayed to be healed from my medical phobia since I was a little girl, but to this day, well into my adulthood, I have panic attacks at the sight of needles and the concept of getting my blood work done. I’ve prayed for financial stability and financial freedom for years as well, to no avail. I’ve prayed for better health outcomes as well, but I’m currently struggling with thyroid issues and a demoralizing PCOS diagnosis. Other prayers of mine have seemingly been answered, though. My prayer to meet my husband, for one, and I absolutely did meet my amazing husband, whom I love. But did I meet him because I prayed for that? Because why did that prayer get answered, while all my others got ignored?

Do ignored prayers and answered prayers randomly play out in the world super arbitrarily, regardless of the prayers I send up into outer space?

I’ve been trying to figure out if God picks and chooses which prayers to answer or if things just happen randomly and arbitrarily, and I’ve been blindly handing credit or non-credit to God this whole time. Because maybe he is just an observer. If he were the type of God to intervene, there would be much less suffering on this planet, I’m certain. But I just don’t see very much intervention happening, or at least not consistently.

I think we WERE designed by God, but I doubt he has anything to do with man-made religions on this planet. He seems to possibly be an observer who doesn’t hate or love us, maybe. Because hate or love as a “heavenly father” doesn’t track. If love and hate were a factor to this God, that would mean he loves soulless, selfish, greedy billionaires, and hates innocent, starving children in the Congo. That doesn’t track.

And when I use the word “design” to describe God‘s creation, I start questioning if the word “design“ is even actually a good word to use. Because I’m starting to question if his design of humankind was actually a good thing to begin with.

Humans are riddled with diseases, phobias, pain, suffering, etc. Life doesn’t feel like a blessing to a lot of us, admittedly. So I don’t know if design is a good word to use, cuz that sort of implies loving creation. But so many people admit to feeling like we’re trapped on a prison planet we didn’t consent to being born into it. And in that context, it gives a more sinister vibe. This world only feels good to the ultra wealthy who can use earth as their playground, buying what they want, eating what they want, traveling where they want etc. however, even the wealthiest people in the world struggle with depression, loneliness, breakups/divorce, health scares, disease, mourning death of others, and their own inevitable death… there’s no escape from suffering, regardless of money. So whoever put us here knows that.

And the way things are designed also confuses me. Why is a woman’s clitoris located outside the vaginal canal? Teeth are extremely high maintenance with all the brushing, flossing, and swishing we have to do. If you don’t maintain your teeth, they will literally rot out of your mouth. Our eyes have no built-in cleaning mechanism beyond tears and blinking…. one Tiny dust particle and suddenly your whole day is interrupted. Menstrual cycles are extremely resource-intensive, uncomfortable, and sometimes painful. Emotional stress can create physical symptoms. Digestion, sleep, headaches, immune changes, and appetite — all connected. Aka, negative emotions manifest as physical diseases. We can’t consciously turn off intrusive thoughts or fall asleep on command. We lose flexibility and muscle mass if we don’t move our bodies enough. The phrase “use it or lose it” is actually a frightening warning. Humans are born unusually helpless… Compared to many animals in nature, human babies take forever to become independent. Almost 40% of all humans will eventually develop cancer. And more. The human body is weird af.

The bible feels like a coping mechanism to make us think the source or entity that put us here is all-loving, and that he designed us with love. But like…. how is this loving?

I know life has highlights and good moments, but if I’m being completely honest, I struggle with a lot of existential dread, and life generally doesn’t feel like a blessing to me. I spend most of my time trying to distract myself from the depths of my darkest thoughts. I do that by booking travel, sharing affection with my husband, listening to my favorite music, going to dance class, drawing my illustrations, etc. But I can’t always be busy with a task or activity, and the REALITY of existing on this planet always eventually sinks back in.

To clear this up really quickly, I’m not suicidal whatsoever. I would never hurt myself ever. But I do hate existing on this planet. I do feel trapped in life. However, I equally fear the physical pain of dying and the unknown of what comes after.

The heaviest part is the suffering, I think: being born as a black woman, specifically. That’s something I didn’t choose and can’t change. I’m automatically hated for my race and gender, completely unprovoked, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

The fact that I didn’t consent to this existence angers me when I think about it for too long. I’m forced to navigate capitalism, patriarchy, racism, maintaining my human body, and sustaining myself… and it feels like I can never get out of survival mode.

I feel frustrated and confused about the role religion plays, because it has seemingly brainwashed so many people to start living lives of low-vibrational submission in fear and shame.

I also carry some sadness that there may not be a loving force behind any of this. That we’re all just here arbitrarily and aimlessly. That thought alone hits like a ton of bricks. It was easier to cope with being alive when I believed in Christianity. But it’s too late for me to back track tbh. I’m so disgusted by the brainwashing I was subjected to growing up. I get why so many people turn to religion as a coping mechanism. But I don’t appreciate the hate and fear it creates. Religion pushes everyone to blindly submit based on the threat of being damned to hell.

I have a lot of thoughts on this. And I’m honestly overwhelmed.